I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than be someones second choice ever again.
No ones safe, watch out.
And just as quickly as thrown into college, I’m thrown back to this place.
DISCLAIMER: Some of these seem stupid, but as someone who hates to fight and argue with someone I care about I tend to let things go that I shouldn’t.
I know these seem obvious… like who would stay with someone with any of these characteristics… Love is blinding. We just want to be loved and with someone so badly, we don’t want to be alone so badly that we come up with ridiculous scenarios in our minds to justify someone being so rotten. It isn’t fair for us to deal with being treated so shitty, and it isn’t fair for someone to think this behavior is okay. Stand strong and remember you need to be Respected.
John Mayer (via hazelgracel)
This is why I love him, and will marry him, someday. Brilliant.
I’ve been thrown of course. Of course there are reasons and to put the blame on either him or myself would not be easy to figure out. I’ve left what truly fuels my passion. This. Writing. Instead of letting it all out like I have often done, I have not been able to form the words to explain what I have been feeling. No one understands. I let him in, just as much as anyone else in my life, and maybe a mile more. I’m not quite sure what parts hurts the most, and is giving me the hard time, but something is. Maybe it’s not that he made love with her, and those other girls. Maybe it’s the fact that he saw my eyes filled with tears begging to know the truth, just simply for peace of mind and lying straight into them. Maybe it’s the fact that his life is so great after he’s done so much wrong and caused so much hurt. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m still blaming myself.
He took what small self esteem I had and crushed it. If I’m not good enough for a shitty person like him, who am I good enough for? Maybe if I had done what he wanted more, even when I did not want to. Maybe if I had be prettier, or skinnier, or happier.
Every day, every single day I run this all through my head and try to make sense of it. I try to figure out why someone cannot love me. I think about when I hurt someone near and dear to me. I think about how sorry I was about how I am still apologizing. I think it might be karma getting back at me. It kind of helps a little bit.
I don’t want to hate him. But I do. I hate his smug attitude, and his stupidity of not even knowing what smug means. I do not what to hate him, because hating takes a piece of you, and I don’t want anything to do with him. I hate that he does not see what he has done wrong. He does not see that he has put a scar on my heart that I can only hope fades away. I am so bitter, and so angry. At myself and him. I am angry with God, for not protecting me.
I believe everything happens for a reason, or at least I try to. It’s been almost a year and I’m waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel and I sure hope it’s soon because I don’t know how long I can go one feeling like this, feeling worthless to everyone.
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